Sliding Doors

Who knows how many times we narrowly escape death. If, like me, you constantly reference “Sliding Doors” in your mind every time you’re in between a rock and a hard place then you’ve probably spent some time ruminating on this thought as well. I can safely say I clearly know that in June of 2018, I narrowly escaped something. Death? Not sure. But, definitely major trauma. I was meant to be leaving for a private pilates training session down the road from my house when my trainer suddenly texted and told me not to come. I found out less than an hour later that her business partner had been training clients in the gym that morning and an old disgruntled employee with mental issues stormed in, and murdered him with a hatchet. Just 30 minutes before I was meant to be there. Years earlier on the morning of September 11th, I was going to go up to the roof of the twin towers with my uncle and aunt first thing in the morning. My uncle overslept and the rest is history. An old friend once called me in 2009 profusely thanking me for saving them. Turns out he was so immersed in listening to my album that he missed his flight and didn’t hear them call his name. That flight landed on the Hudson shortly after. While everyone survived, he was grateful not to have endured that experience. So many moments where I look back and wonder, what if things had gone the other way? 

It is safe to say I am between the biggest rock and hardest hard place I have ever been in. A friend texted me the other night and said “You are in the literally worst moment of your entire life.” YAY ME! Truly I have never known sadness this deep, and despair this vast. I don’t say this to fish for support. I say this because I am really trying to remind myself that maybe, just maybe, this is happening so something else doesn’t. Although it feels like this is the something else that shouldn’t be happening. I’m struggling to find silver linings, so I try to find gratitude in things like friends and family. I know there are other people out there going through horrendous things. And I empathize deeply. When it rains it pours. But the last three months have truly taught me the value of friendship and how friends and family being of service and support in times of despair is the greatest gift one could ever receive in their life. Treasure your friends, and show up for them if/and how you are able. You literally never know when the rug will be pulled out from under them or you. 

So for now, I am gonna close my eyes and see myself standing on the platform of the L train. Wait for the wind to hit my face as the train approaches. Wait for those doors to slide open. Wait for the gut feeling on whether or not I should get on that train. Hope that the tide will turn and the sun will shine again. My friend Holly said, the pendulum HAS to swing the other way. I’m ready. x