My First (New)Year Without You

Four months

Hi, 

It’s been a minute, I know. I write to you all the time. Then I reread it a couple days later and I think “there’s no way I am publishing that”. The truth is there isn’t much to say. I’m sad. Sadder than I’ve ever been. Four months since my husband died feels like an insane amount of time. You could read all I’ve written about how my husband died and my (foster) son was taken unexpectedly and I could go into what a strange place my brain has been. But, won’t you get tired of it? I’m tired of it and I’ve got a lifetime to go. 

Blank stares, old photos, waves of grief so big I fear I may die in the riptide, bad news, good news, “How are you’s”, “Happy New Year’s”, big decisions, small decisions, no decisions, rabbit holes. Everything’s a trigger. I am a stranger to myself. 

Sometimes I go places, and going places does help. Perspective shifts help, being away from all the triggers at home helps, but that deep everlasting well of grief isn’t going anywhere. It will go with me anywhere I go. It lives within me. When that sinks in, I sink in with it. I guess the hope is, eventually I will learn to swim laps around it.

I’ve been making lists. Here are a few.

Some things I am (mostly) no longer afraid of…

1. Dying. 

2. Rejection

3. Wrinkles 

4. What people think of me 

5. Aging 

 some things I’ve done since you’ve been away….

1. Kept going

2. Started sleeping again

3. Cried lots

4. But also laughed

5. Decided not to make any big decisions for the next year (realized that was a big decision, thanks for pointing that out Amanda)

6. Made more big decisions

7. Learned how to make your pavlova. I’m making it for Christmas, I know you’re proud.

8. Finally got rid of those amazon boxes you kept for no good reason. Now I kind of miss them cause they reminded me of you.

9. Talked to you all the time. I’m positive you can hear me.

10. Saw a few mediums. (my mom is concerned I am dabbling in the dark arts, I am sure you find this funny.)

11. Played the lottery (Haven’t won big yet, hint hint)

12. Kept going. Still going.

13. Your taxes. That was fun (it was not). It’s true what they say “nothing is certain except death and taxes”.
    
    I’d give anything to….

1. Roll my eyes at all the kitchen cabinets left open for the thousandth time. 

2. Complain about how overwhelming the holidays are without childcare. 

3. Bitch about how my husband is working too much. 

4. Get overwhelmed by laundry piling up.

5. Get woken up in the middle of the night by my child. 

6. Have my drinks (juice, coffee etc.) stolen by my husband. 

Daily “grievances” that now feel like they were the world’s biggest luxuries. I'm sure you get tired, frustrated, maybe unhappy at times. But if you have your people and you’re all healthy, I envy you tonight.

I decided the other day that I would buy a physical calendar for the year. You know one of those purchases you make when you say something like “this is the year I will be more organized” to yourself. Except that wasn’t my intention. My intention was simply to tick the days. Every day I get up and check a box feels like some kind of miracle.

I took the calendar home and started filling out birthdays and certain days I know will be harder than others. Then I flipped back to the front and it really hit me. I put the pen down to the front of the calendar and wrote down what I still can’t believe is true “My first year without you”. x